Let's get one thing straight before we continue. Yard work is one of the most time-consuming (read: time-wasting), annoying, dreadful endeavors one can choose to do. I truly believe that those who enjoy it must be masochists. If you're a masochist by this definition, please do not take offense to the term. I don’t agree with how you spend your time, but I respect you. And if you really enjoy it, I would like to invite you over to my home some sunny Saturday in the near future. I wouldn't want to discourage you enjoying lawn care.
The overall goal of lawn care is simply the following: Minimize the total amount of time, work and money you put into your yard while avoiding the sour looks of all of those on your block.
With this in mind I bring to you the following pointers:
- Never mind keeping up with the Jones'. The goal is to be slightly better than the Smith's. Who are the Smith's you ask? Well they are the ones with the worst looking yard on the block. By being slightly better than the Smith's you will avoid the sour looks given by Mr. and Mrs. Jones.
- The frequency in which you fertilize should be the same as the frequency of neighborhood social gatherings. The goal here is to be sure to fertilize the morning of said gatherings. That way when the subject of lawn car comes up at the event you can mention that you had just dropped fertilizer that morning. You can even consider rolling your eyes when speaking about the Smith's lawn and claim that the reason you have weeds is because Mr. Smith doesn't fertilize his lawn and the wind blows all of the seeds into you yard.
- You should fertilize with the least amount of fertilizer possible. Everybody knows that these chemicals are not good for the environment and you don't want to be labeled as a earth-scorcher like the Jones family down the street do you?
- Minimal frequency and amount of fertilizer will ensure that you will have plenty of nice green weeds in your yard. The goal then is to cut them low. If you cut off all of the leaves, blooms, pods, etc. the stem will look remarkably similar to a blade of grass. Be sure to edge your lawn for the same reason. Grass tends to grow straight up. Weeds often grow sideways. By edging your yard, you again give the illusion of grass.
- Do NOT water your lawn. We have been in a drought here in Charlotte for over a year and water restrictions are in place. Of course the obsessive masochists in my neighborhood have better lawns than me, but barely. I'd like to compare fertilizer and water bills with them. While they're busy watering and fertilizing to make their yard look decent, I'm spending time with my family and making my yard look fair. It's not worth the payoff. Also, when a drought hits, since you have done minimal fertilizing, the obsessive yard-workers now have brown lawns, and your weeds are green and if trimmed nicely might even make your yard look even better.
- When doing yard work, keep the following things in mind. Doing it on a nice cool day, if you have one, is the easiest way to go. However, nice cool days are perfect days to spend doing something fun with your family. You're wasting valuable time by doing it then. You should consider doing it when it's extremely hot and humid. That doesn't seem right, does it? But doing it on an oppressive day is likely to invoke the most pity from your family. After a couple of hours sweating and exhausting every ounce of energy, your significant other is likely going to want you to take it easy for some time. They may bring you drinks, and let you sit down in a cool place for a looooong time. It's counterintuitive I know, but your return will be greater. Trust me. One note of caution though: Wear sunscreen. You could have sweat gallons of water, incurred scrapes and cuts and perhaps even lost blood, but if you have a sunburn and you didn't wear sunscreen, expect no pity. Trust me on this one.
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