Father's Day is an interesting time for me. Frankly, my dad was pretty much absent for most of my life. My folks divorced when I was still in preschool. I tell people who ask, that when he divorced my mom, he divorced me as well. Of course our divorce took longer. By the time I was 13, dad didn't really engage in my life. I'd see him at Christmas up until he moved to Florida after my senior year of High School. When he came back a few years later, it was even less frequent. Frankly, this stunk. I'm a pretty affectionate and emotional guy, especially now, and I find myself having to forgive my dad time and time again. The last time I remember my dad telling me he loved me, was the third day of my third year of college. It was right after he told me that he didn't have the money to pay for the school term I had just started. Him saying it then brought attention to the fact that he didn't say it at other times. I always wondered how much he meant it. Dad chose not to participate at a young age and as I got older, I probably didn't make much of an effort either. In 1992, he declined to come to my wedding. His widow doesn't remember why he made this decision. Dad died in 1997. I still love him and wish I could sit down and talk to him about things.
So, with Father's day on us, I ruminate. I think about these things. This isn't to say that all my time with my dad was bad. Actually the time I had with him was good...it just wasn't much time. When Tina and I were dating and both of us knew where things were going, she said one of the nicest things she has ever said to me. She said, "If we ever get married, I hope I can give you a son, so that you can do everything with him that you didn't have the opportunity to do with your dad." It was such a wonderful thing to hear and think about. The thought about having the opportunity to spend time with a son and love, guide, coach, and father him gave me hope and anticipation for healing in the future. Those words were forever engraved in my heart and mind.
I also think about the surrogate fathers from my past. These were guys in my past who in one way or another showed me many flavors of fatherhood. Most of them cared for me even though I didn't belong to them. Other's modeled fatherhood for me. I care a lot about them and today I think about them as well.
Presently, I'm in the middle of it all. I've had seventeen years of marriage and our two kids keep us active, stressed, and sometimes frazzled. Sometimes, it's hard to step back and think about what the family means to me or where we even are in this current stage of life. It occurred to me earlier today that our oldest child is halfway through his childhood. In nine years, he will likely be off to college with his brother joining him three years later. I don't think about this too often. Not because of any reason other than life is busy. Yesterday was busy as well. I spent more hours than I wish to admit working in the yard. It was hot and it took me the rest of the day to cool off. I was exhausted. After dinner, I was laying around the house and the boys were outside in the heat again! They haven't realized yet that you're not supposed to willingly go out in 90 degree heat. I guess that comes with age. Tina had joined them as well. I was alone inside where it was nice and cool. I had absolutely no desire to go out in the heat. I was spent. I got up and went over to our window to see what they were up to. My wife was working on setting up our grill on our new patio, and there was my oldest, Chris, pitching whiffle balls to Andrew. I saw smiles through the sweat and I felt something like a dawning on my heart. "Here it is," I thought. I was reminded of my incredible wife and her precious words before we were married, "I hope I can give you a son." And in my head I responded "There's two! God gave me a wonderful wife who in turn gave me two boys!" I quietly walked a little closer and sneaked out on the patio to watch Chris throw to his brother.
Andrew spots me, and asks as he has many times before, "Dad, can you pitch to us?" It's hot, humid, and miserable.
I respond, "I just want to watch for now." Chris throws to his brother again, as I continue to savor the moment. They were not going to let these last few minutes before bedtime slip away. After thinking about this site a moment or two more, I asked myself, "How could I pass up the opportunity to do with them what I had always wanted?" A moment longer I call out to the boys, "Just a minute. Let me get my shoes on." It was a day early, but it was already the best Father's Day I've ever had.
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