Father's Day Thoughts

Disclaimer: Personally I try to refrain from being overly sentimental or "mushy" on this blog. This entry fails miserably in this area. If you're looking for humor, especially in the form of sarcasm, you might want to check back on another day.

Father's Day is an interesting time for me. Frankly, my dad was pretty much absent for most of my life. My folks divorced when I was still in preschool. I tell people who ask, that when he divorced my mom, he divorced me as well. Of course our divorce took longer. By the time I was 13, dad didn't really engage in my life. I'd see him at Christmas up until he moved to Florida after my senior year of High School. When he came back a few years later, it was even less frequent. Frankly, this stunk. I'm a pretty affectionate and emotional guy, especially now, and I find myself having to forgive my dad time and time again. The last time I remember my dad telling me he loved me, was the third day of my third year of college. It was right after he told me that he didn't have the money to pay for the school term I had just started. Him saying it then brought attention to the fact that he didn't say it at other times. I always wondered how much he meant it. Dad chose not to participate at a young age and as I got older, I probably didn't make much of an effort either. In 1992, he declined to come to my wedding. His widow doesn't remember why he made this decision. Dad died in 1997. I still love him and wish I could sit down and talk to him about things.

So, with Father's day on us, I ruminate. I think about these things. This isn't to say that all my time with my dad was bad. Actually the time I had with him was good...it just wasn't much time. When Tina and I were dating and both of us knew where things were going, she said one of the nicest things she has ever said to me. She said, "If we ever get married, I hope I can give you a son, so that you can do everything with him that you didn't have the opportunity to do with your dad." It was such a wonderful thing to hear and think about. The thought about having the opportunity to spend time with a son and love, guide, coach, and father him gave me hope and anticipation for healing in the future. Those words were forever engraved in my heart and mind.

I also think about the surrogate fathers from my past. These were guys in my past who in one way or another showed me many flavors of fatherhood. Most of them cared for me even though I didn't belong to them. Other's modeled fatherhood for me. I care a lot about them and today I think about them as well.

Presently, I'm in the middle of it all. I've had seventeen years of marriage and our two kids keep us active, stressed, and sometimes frazzled. Sometimes, it's hard to step back and think about what the family means to me or where we even are in this current stage of life. It occurred to me earlier today that our oldest child is halfway through his childhood. In nine years, he will likely be off to college with his brother joining him three years later. I don't think about this too often. Not because of any reason other than life is busy. Yesterday was busy as well. I spent more hours than I wish to admit working in the yard. It was hot and it took me the rest of the day to cool off. I was exhausted. After dinner, I was laying around the house and the boys were outside in the heat again! They haven't realized yet that you're not supposed to willingly go out in 90 degree heat. I guess that comes with age. Tina had joined them as well. I was alone inside where it was nice and cool. I had absolutely no desire to go out in the heat. I was spent. I got up and went over to our window to see what they were up to. My wife was working on setting up our grill on our new patio, and there was my oldest, Chris, pitching whiffle balls to Andrew. I saw smiles through the sweat and I felt something like a dawning on my heart. "Here it is," I thought. I was reminded of my incredible wife and her precious words before we were married, "I hope I can give you a son." And in my head I responded "There's two! God gave me a wonderful wife who in turn gave me two boys!" I quietly walked a little closer and sneaked out on the patio to watch Chris throw to his brother.
Andrew spots me, and asks as he has many times before, "Dad, can you pitch to us?" It's hot, humid, and miserable.
I respond, "I just want to watch for now." Chris throws to his brother again, as I continue to savor the moment. They were not going to let these last few minutes before bedtime slip away. After thinking about this site a moment or two more, I asked myself, "How could I pass up the opportunity to do with them what I had always wanted?" A moment longer I call out to the boys, "Just a minute. Let me get my shoes on." It was a day early, but it was already the best Father's Day I've ever had.

Pair o' Dime Props: Those with Imperfect Attendance

Well, folks, it's that time of year again. Over the past few weeks, schools have been letting out for the summer and many have graduated. Awards ceremonies have taken place and some have received, in my sons' principal's words, "The most coveted award in school." That's right, the perfect attendance award. News stories in print, radio and television laud the ones who have 12 years of perfect attendance and some have even accomplished perfect attendance and no tardies! Wow!

But this post isn't about them. They got their recognition. This post is about those who didn't get it. Yes, the rest of us! Congratulations on not going to school everyday. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of education. Why, I spent 7 years in undergraduate school alone, (insert rim shot here), and an additional 2 years in grad school. I love school so much I got an education degree and currently work at a university. I'm a big fan of school and I highly recommend it. However I do remember bouts of tonsillitis, colds, sinus infections and one time even encephalitis that kept me from attending every minute of my courses. I survived and even graduated!

I raise a glass to you, imperfect attenders! For those of you who when you felt bad, took that as a sign you should lay low and recover. You knew that if you were sick, you should stay home and watch The Price is Right. (Or for you young folks out there, Sportscenter for four hours straight). Props go to your parents also! Your parents read the school's student handbook and complied with the part that said, "If your child has had a fever in the past 24 hours, he or she should not come to school." By doing this, you no doubt helped others stay well by not spreading your sickness to them. Because of this, you have a better understanding of following rules. That was very considerate of you and your parents. Perhaps even your folks let you go on vacation during the school year because they were confident you could make up the work and still do well. You also have a better understanding of what "real life" is about. As you get older, you're going to have sick days. Your coworkers will thank you for staying home and not getting them sick. As age sets in, you will need to take mental health days too. You know now that missing school, or work, isn't some sort of tragic occurrence. As a matter of fact, those days of missing school or work will lessen the likelihood of burnout. I contest that you graduates are more prepared to understand life as an adult! So, a tip of the cap to you, imperfect attenders! The world awaits you...when you're healthy and not on vacation.

DISCLAIMER: Pair o' Dime Shift is not in any way encouraging or condoning truancy in our children, nor does it accept any responsibility for any increase in a child's absences due to the legion of kids who read this blog. A good education is extremely valuable and every subject is pertinent to obtaining all of your necessary life skills. The author of Pair o' Dime Shift would not be nearly as intelligent as he is if it weren't for that introduction to film class he took in 1987. How does one survive without understanding the intricate philosophical undertones that come with the viewing of Last Year at Marienbad?If at all possible, children should be in school learning everything they can about every subject. Bottom line: KIDS, STAY IN SCHOOL!!!

Question of the Day: Teaching Double Standards

Short post today, but perhaps it will get me back in the posting groove.

My sons have discovered burping. Yeah, and here's the problem: When half of you read this, you said, "eww, gross!" while the other half of you either laughed, or said, "heh, cool!" Do you see the problem? Everyone would likely agree that in a public setting, and specifically in the company of ladies, this is intolerable! However, when it's the guys, it's cool. Moreover, the level of coolness is directly proportional to volume and length of the belch in the company of guys and conversly, the volume and length is inderectly proportional to the acceptability in mixed company. This is a bit of a stumbling block for me as a parent and I am appealing to you for help.

During little sibs weekend in college, I put upon myself the task of tackling this double standard with my future wife's brother. He was there for the weekend and at age 8 or thereabouts, he needed to understand the complexity of social relationships and I felt called to explain it. When Tina wasn't around, I would let out a good one and tell him it was cool, but then continued by letting him know that it wasn't cool when his sister was around. "Belching is cool when you're with the guys, but not with girls present." I worked hard. It was a mantra of sorts and by the end of the weekend, I think he was able to repeat it easily.* However, I must admit, I don't know if I have ever heard him produce a thunderous belch in the 18 years I've known him, so I believe I still have more to learn in teaching the subtelties of this double standard. Any help in this area was appreciated.

*Tony and Elaine. Thank you for your tacet forgiveness on this. :-)

Pair o' Dime Props: Fathers

It's been a few days since I've posted, but I can't let this day go without acknowledging dad's. Father's who engage in the lives of both their children and the mothers of their children provide a stable environment for all. To me, there is something special about a male role model. I was not fortunate enough to grow up with my dad, and although there are things about him that were good, this post is to give thanks to men in my past who have mentored me in some way. Some of them aren't even old enough to be my dad, but they modeled behaviors and/or shared their heart in a way that impacted who I've become. (The positive bits of who I've become :-) ). So today, I raise a glass to the following people:

Tom Spittal
Ralph Small
Dave Bratton
Loren Freshwater
John Theis
Don Mechlem
Tony Bonacci
George Jonson
David Ziels
LeMont Jacobs

These men have shown me how they raise their children, treated me like their son, or shared with me godly wisdom that has helped mold my spiritual life. All of which I count as treasures and today, I am thankful that I have known them.

Pair o' Dime Props: Back Creek Christian Academy (ACSI)

Today was my oldest son's last day of his first year at Back Creek Christian Academy. He finished second grade and we were proud of how we did. This school, it's mission and it's staff have been nothing but respectful and loving to the students and parents they serve. From the moment we met their principal, Janet Ballard, to Christopher's last day in Mrs. Roundtree's 2nd grade class, we have felt well-served by this school. Next year we have the privilege of sending both of our sons here.
On a similar note, I was looking at the results of our son's achievement tests for the year and noticed that they have percentile scores related to the national average as well as the ACSI (Association of Christian Schools International) average. This was interesting to me because the percentile scores are lower within ACSI. What this says is that ACSI students perform better than the national average. This is NOT the primary reason we send our son to a Christian school, but it is encouraging to know that he can be challenged by the curriculum in an ACSI accredited school.

Theology of a Child

Lately I've been getting a kick out of things my kids have been saying. The latest one was my five year old telling me that you have to accept Jesus as Savior or you will go to "hail." Now, I suppose if I grew up in North Carolina that wouldn't seem as funny, but I'm from Ohio. We don't pronounce it that way.

After he said this we asked him if he had accepted Jesus, and he told us he had...three times! I think I need to work a little more on his theology, but we're on the right track.

Worship, Dedication and Parenting

It has been impressed upon me over the past few days how presumptuous I can be when it comes to my children. I always thought I was good at keeping an open mind in regards to my kids, but I realize now how little this is true. And frankly, I have been presumptuous in what is clearly the most critical area of both my life and theirs.

When you have children, you immediately assess and marvel in their personality as you watch it unfold. You start noticing their strengths as they continue to grow and how you think they will excel in life. Our inherent nature is to want our children "succeed" more than we have. That somehow they are not only making a contribution to the world, but that contribution would benefit the family line. This is why when you start supposing what they will be as they get older, it's often professions like scientist, doctor, lawyer, and teacher. Professions that we see as stable, noble and sometimes lucrative. Whatever you think is a "lowly job" you don't suppose your children will be that. This really seems right to think this way. Surely you wanting the best for your children is a good thing and I thought I was open minded when I would say, "Hey, if my son wants to be a then by all means, this is what I want for him too." But what is funny about this, is that I never think of him in that title, so I doubt it's really what I believe. There is room for my open mind to become more so.

As a Christian, the Apostle Paul challenges me in Romans 12 when he says:

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship."
-Romans 12:1

Now that is a challenge to me, not my children. And this challenge extends beyond our physical body as well. It's a big challenge and one that I will spend the rest of my life trying to accomplish. In my readings this past week, I was struck with how imperfect my worship is. What I am doing externally should be the overflow of what I truly feel and believe inwardly. In doing this I thought about what it meant to truly worship and glorify God. Part of this requires that I submit all that I have responsibility over to him. Otherwise those same things will be a distraction to me as I will try to use my own abilities to accomplish worldly goals. Sure it may look right to other folks, but God and I know that when I'm not focused on him, my worship is less than pure. This may not make sense to everyone, but in order for me to worship God in my work, my relationships, my actions, my everything, I need to give it all to him. Allow Him to be my central focus. Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean I ignore or discard these aspects of my life. It means that I give them to God and allow him to pervade all aspects of my life and affect these areas more positively than I in my flawed human efforts ever could. In essence, to worship Him through these areas. The opposite of what it may sound like will occur. These parts of my life will be all the more healthy.

So, what does this mean when it comes to my parenting? Well, it means in my worship and service to God, I have to submit my children to God as well. I know what you may be thinking. That I did that when dedicated our children in church. Well, that's partly true, but for it to be fully true, my ideas for what the future holds for my children would take on a different meaning. When I say my son might be a good doctor, am I seeing him as a doctor with a healthy practice where he is loved by his patients and he is never found to be financially wanting? If so, then am I really focused on what God might have in store for him, or what I think is the most beneficial by worldly means? In my case, I think the latter.

So what does it look like to truly worship God in relation to our children? What should we want for our children and pray that God will give us? First we should probably pray that they come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I'd venture to say that this is a good prayer. What about their life? As far as success goes, what should I be asking in this regard? Is it wrong to be successful by worldly standards? I don't think so. Is it wrong to pray that they become wealthy? Well, for me, I say that it's a bit worldly to pray for this. Consider the story of Hannah and Samuel in the Old Testament. I can only imagine a fraction of what it may feel like to be barren. That despite your desire and efforts, you are without child. I'm sureit's even harder for the woman in the relationship than the man. In the case of Hannah, this was definitely true. Her husband had a second wife who had 10 children. So Hannah in her grief prayed earnestly to God and asked for him to open her womb. She also promised to commit the child to Him. God heard her prayer and blessed her with Samuel. Now imagine holding the child you had yearned for for many years and recalling the promise you made to God. I can honestly say I couldn't imagine doing what Hannah did. I think I wouldn't be able to keep my promise to God. The first chapter of Samuel's life was that of being weaned from his mother, Hannah, she took him to Eli the priest to live with him and to serve in the temple. Imagine! Waiting for so long to have a child of your own and then physically taking him to serve in the temple all of his days. I have little doubt in my mind that Hannah understood both how to worship and how to dedicate her life (as well as Samuel's) to the Lord.

As a parent I have presumed so much. What will their profession be? Well, I don't know, but what I suggest it should be might tell me more about myself and where my heart is than it predicts what they will do when they grow up. I'm inclined to say that they might be missionaries, or pastors. I have to say the idea of my child living in a third world country in dire conditions so he could minister to the less fortunate who do not know Jesus is still hard for me to swallow. I think my prayer should be that their lives will bring glory to God and that others will see the character of God manifested in my boys. Sounds easy, but I need to constantly reflect on how willing I am to accept that my child may choose a really hard life for the Glory of God. My own spiritual health could be indicated by how willing I am to accept that.

What kind of parent am I?

So this week, my oldest son has "Spirit Week" at his school. Monday was Martin Luther King Day so there wasn't school, but each day after has a theme:

• Tuesday was "Geek Day." Considering I'm in I.T. you'd think we'd have something for him to wear in order to come across as a geek. Well, first we forgo, But even if we did remember, the only thing I could think of doing would be for him to somehow emulate me, but considering this is the same person who may someday pick out my nursing home, that just wouldn't be right.
• Today is Superhero day. Well, my son may know who Superman or Spider-Man is, but that's it. He has never seen either show or movie. We were stuck, but my wife thought up a quick cowboy outfit. I think we're going for the Lone Ranger, but frankly, I haven't seen a Lone Ranger show or movie myself, so I'm doubting any8 year-old would know much about them either.
• Tomorrow is pajama day. We dress our son in sweat pants and a t-shirt for bed. We really don't have acceptable pajamas.
• Friday is the pep rally and the kids should be in school colors. OK! This we can do! We have a "spirit" t-shirt and a pair of jeans laying around.

The pressure to conform is great! I figure if we get him to school and be sure his homework is done, we're on the right track. But NOOOO! You have to have Spirit Week! So, if you thought us not doing Santa Claus is bad, as well as my desire to tone down Christmas, I can only imagine what you might think of me now. But really, I love kids. They're wonderful. I just don't want them to have any fun. ;-)

Pair o' Dime Props: Snow Days!!

I work on a college campus, which for many appears to be a utopia. It's not. But it's still really great. It's nice walking across campus for meetings, and having doors and windows near my desk. I'm a state employee too (read: pretty good job security), so that's a plus. And I definitely can't complain about the 7 figure salary.*

In Charlotte, North Carolina we get a plethora of blue sky days, and wonderful springs and falls. But also when it snows 2 inches, I don't have to go to work! The university was closed today. Now for us "Yankees" it's hard to understand this, but we'll take it! It's like being a kid again. We got up and ran outside. My wife built a snowman with the boys (although they got cold and ran in and she had to put on the finishing touches herself), and I made pancakes and hot chocolate. The boys loved the snow and we all enjoyed the time together. Sadly, my oldest son's school was smart enough to realize that two inches would not bring the sky crashing down on all of us and he only got a two hour delay. A good call for them, but the self-imposed guilt we had because we got to stay home wasn't welcome. Oh well, I'm sure he'll be smarter because of it. Honestly though, anyone who grew up in the deep south and didn't have the anticipation and joy of school being canceled in the middle of a hard winter do not know what they are missing. Thankfully we're not in the deep south, so we get to live vicariously through our kids.

*Yeah, you read that right. Seven figures, baby! And that includes a decimal point too! Eat your heart out! :-)

Scrooge sighting: Regulating Christmas

I love Christmas! It has always been my most favorite time of the year. I'm like a little kid in many respects. However, the years have weathered me a little. Ironically, as I continue my spiritual growth I find things about the season less enthralling than when it was a secular holiday for me. I used to "score" big time on Christmas. Generous parents helped me out quite a bit with this. Now, as I see things pull our recognition away from the Christ child I tend to find a negative streak in me. The materialism and gluttonous attitudes throughout the holidays, (mine included), distract me and countless others away from the reason for Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I love giving and receiving gifts. I've been wanting to start/revive my interest in slot cars for the past year and it has only been my budget that has kept me from begging my wife to get a track "for the kids." I also enjoy the cooking and eating during this time, but this is what I'm seeing:

• My desire to cook (and eat) overwhelms me with planning and shopping to make some treats and meals that I don't normally get to make.
• My desire to shop and buy a plethora of gifts for my kids continuously nags me to find the time to get all the things I want to get them.
• Media constantly speaking of "last minute gifts" two full weeks before Christmas day to give us the sense that we need to be finishing up. This is their way of telling us to shop early and often.
• A constant barrage of largely material gifts being flashed in front of me when I finally do stop. The ads tell me to do things like shop at Jared Jewelers or be sure to buy my spouse (or teenage child) a Lexus during their year end sales event. (The latter ad drives me nuts every year).

So yeah, I'm a scrooge about some things. I no longer care for the materialism, the rush and the push during the time. I'm ready to enjoy lights, songs and worship. (Why is it by the way that most churches aren't even open on Christmas day? You essentially have to be Catholic or in Europe if you want to worship the Christ child in church on Christmas Day. I have even heard pastors in the past, when Christmas falls on a Sunday say that we won't have church so that everyone can be with their family. I don't see the logic). So I have already started discussing with my wife what we might be able to do differently next year. Here are some of the thoughts:

• One gift to each member from each member of our immediate family (Maybe 2 or 3 from Mom and Dad). We're a family of four. That would be three or so gifts a piece. The gifts would more likely be bigger and would not be clothes or other practical gifts. It would be something special. (I know one family I grew up with that did this, and I have to say they are fairly well-adjusted so I do believe we could manage mental balance while doing this).
• With the extra time (and money saved) more focus would be spent volunteering our time and resources to other activities which would spread good will to others and enrich our own time with friends and neighbors.

So there's the start of it. I'd love to have other ideas that would help with this, but I'm feeling the stress that my parents always talked about (and I never understood) that happens when trying to handle the responsibilities of the season.

If I didn't have my hands full arleady...

My son, (name redacted), roughly used the following logic at dinner last night.

Christmas is Jesus' birthday, and we should ask Jesus into our hearts. And because of this, we should get lots of presents for Christmas, because if Jesus is in our hearts, he can play with our presents too!

Parental Issue Resolved (?)

For those of you who were concerned, I came home from work yesterday to find my son humming the tune from “Across the Field.” It seems as if we have resolved another issue in our parenting. Hats off to my wife who must have been singing it to him all afternoon.

Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
-Proverbs 22:6

Parental Help Needed!

We are having a problem with our oldest son and I think I need some advice. All week he has been humming "The Victors." Truth be told, it's a catchy tune, but this is "Michigan Week" for OSU, so to have my firstborn humming the fight song of the "team up north" throughout the week is a bit unnerving. I'm at wits end! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

"The Life"

It's interesting that my pastor this past Sunday only briefly mentioned one thing and it's sticking to me pretty well right now. I'm not the best at pulling out all the points of a multi-point sermon, so I often latch on to one thing and hope it sticks for long term. I think this past week I got one. God is Life.

Long past beer commercials once had men uttering, "You know, it just doesn't get any better than this." Usually these men were sitting around a campfire, enjoying time together and absorbing the richness of the moment. It's not a bad thing really. Community with other people is an essential that we often overlook. But the phrase itself may perhaps be a little weighty for a few brews with some buds. I've uttered the phrase multiple times.

How often have we said something like, "This is the life?" It has become a common phrase and yet, if you think about what we are literally saying, the magnitude in which we are holding "this" to is huge! Essentially we are saying that "this is IT!" or "I found it!" or "I got it!" The one thing that makes life all worthwhile.

Our passion for our spouses or adoration of our children may bring us to tell them that they are our life. Our love for them is like no other. That they are the reason behind our actions and endeavors.

Any of these things alone are not bad. As a matter of fact the examples are good. Friendship, Parenthood and Romance with one's spouse are all products of love, but are they "it?" Are they "The Life?"

Other experiences may be a little more self-indulgent. I want a slot track and a pool table, and consequently, a bigger house to put them in. If I had these things would I utter, "This is the life" or "It just doesn't get any better than this?" Maybe... or I'd find something else I wanted that would "make my life better." These pursuits by themselves are probably not bad, but they are, at the very most, temporal.

God is Life. My pastor went on to say that whenever we think something else is life we are in a state of idolatry. This hit me pretty hard, but in a good way. It's statements like this that provide perspective. What I am challenged to do now is to look beyond things that are temporal and to things eternal. To "live in the moment" could very well be me forsaking God once again. The first chapter of John as well as the beginning of Genesis pretty much says this. It's said more literally later in John when Jesus says, "I am the resurrection and the life" (John 11:25), and "I am the way and the truth and the life" (John 14:6). It's something to think about...finding and living the Life.